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Every once in awhile, a story (or email) circulates around the Internet that just gives you a good laugh. I haven’t seen this one before but was told it has been around a bit…enjoy!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

I’m sure you’ve heard the story of the cup…

The Optimist says that his cup is half full.
The Pessimist says that his cup is half empty.
The engineer says that you just need a smaller cup.

It seems to be all about the cup…but not really. The cup is just the vessel that holds something else. Let’s go a bit deeper though, shall we. The cup being a vessel could symbolize a person. It could really be you. Actually, it is you. The story of the cup is all about you, and about your attitude towards life.

The Cup Half Empty

Here is a quote from Charles Swindoll…
Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.

Have you ever thought about that? When you do, you tend to realize that quite often, little things in life control your attitude. For some people, the smallest of things can ruin their day. Their spouse may not look at them quite right, or a friend accidentally bumps into them at work…almost making them spill their coffee, or maybe… ______ (you fill in the blank).

The smallest of things tend to ruin a whole day for some people. Not only is their cup half empty, at times it appears that their cup is…just empty. Even if you try to fill it for them, they just won’t let you. I honestly believe that even God Almighty would have a bit of trouble pleasing this person, as perfection probably just isn’t quite good enough for them.

The Cup Half Full

You just gotta love those people whose cup is half full. They usually have a smile on their face even in the worst of times. Very little seems to rattle these people. Do you know someone like that? I bet you do. I’ve actually known a couple of people who just hate to be around someone like this. You know what I mean don’t you? The cup half empty person seems to not like the cup half full person.

I’ve known a few people in life who are just jolly all the time. They are just so full of sunshine that it blinds those who love dark and gloomy days. And there really aren’t any shades that anyone can wear to keep the glare of that sunshine down. I’ve actually heard people say, “I can’t stand to be around that person, they are just bubbly all the time. I’ve always found that to be a bit shocking to hear, I love to be around bubbly people, they totally brighten my day.

The Engineers Cup

You really have to love this optimist. One way or another, this person is going to find a way to fill that cup up, even if they have to make it a bit smaller to do it. Yep, this person thinks outside the box, and nothing slows them down. The attitude is always positive and forward thinking. They are focused, and the job gets done. These people tend to make good employees. Every boss would love to have a productive happy person on staff. Actually, the boss would love to have a whole staff of people like that.

So how about it…life happens to you…so remember the quote, life is 10% what happens to you. The question is, how do you react. That is the other 90% of life. Is your cup half empty, or is it half full? But wait…you are the cup, right?